Wednesday, May 31, 2006

FEAR

As a child, you fear everything.

Then you grow a little and learn not to fear what can't hurt you.

Eventually, you learn not to fear that which can only hurt you.

Finally, you learn not to fear things that can only kill you.

Which just leaves me.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

A young punk had the temerity to ask me if I had any plans for strangling Michael Moore.

Unfortunately Mr. Paladin, no I don't. My old, arthritic hands just can't reach far enough around Michael Moore's enormous gullet to do any damage. (Now if I had Shaq's hands.... oooh the strangling I could do!)

However, I do have plans for Moore involving a zippo lighter, a waffle iron, two pounds of ground beef, a wolverine, a set of jumper cables, and a wind powered generator. (I'm environmentally conscious you know.)

Now I just have to wait for the next category 5 hurricane to get the power generation I require...

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Don't mess with me today...

I'm in a bad mood. And when I'm in a bad mood, things get blown up.

Monday, May 22, 2006

National Language

The term "illegal alien", by definition, implies breaking the law. Which makes them my meat.

So I really don't care what language an illegal alien speaks. It all sounds like "Urghh ahhhhggg gurk." when I'm strangling them.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

On pets

If you love something let it go. If it comes back to you it is your's forever.

If it doesn't come back, hunt it down and crush it into a pulp with your bare hands. Then keep the bloody remains in a jar next to the door as a reminder of the folly of running away.

Interviews.... RARR!

I had an interview on O'Reilly the other day... well, actually one of my doubles had an interview. I like O'Reilly. He's an incredibly angry old man like I am. But if I was interviewed and asked those questions, there surely would have been a stranglin' at some point.

It reminds me of another interview I had with a young blogger, Frank J.

The only thing that saved him that day was that the technology to strangle someone over the phone hasn't quite been perfected... yet.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Dagnabbit

I've finally figured out this blasted blogger to put the titles on these posts. This newfangled technology can be so aggravating that I just want to strangle somebody....

In my day, when we wanted to tell the whole world something about our personal lives we just let old lady Withers know about it and pretty soon the whole town was talking about your business.

I swear, if the nuclear launch codes were this hard to use I'd never get to vaporize anything.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

They say that Death rides a pale horse.

They're right.

I call him Binky.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Today's list of foreign countries that I have no plans on bombing:

The U.K.
Australia (provided they keep sending beer)
Poland
Canada

Saturday, May 06, 2006

People ask me why I don't post very often.

I tell them that it's a very dificult and time consuming job plotting the possible take over of every country in the world. And that my hours of vigilantism tend to eat up most of my spare time as it is.

And then I strangle them... not to death. Just a warning strangle to let them know that I could kill them with my bare hands if I really wanted to.