The Rumsfeld Strangler

Retired? .... Redeployed

2006-11-12T11:31:00.000-05:00

I just want everyone to know that I've been a little busy for the last several months. And now that I've resigned from the position of Secretary of War, that won't change too much.

The real reason for my resignation isn't that I felt I was doing a bad job. It's just that with the Democrats now in charge of Congress, I feel that I'll be able to kill more terrorists as an independent contractor than if I continued to work in government.

You know, if my arthritis hadn't been acting up that day, that terrorist would never have lived long enough to file a lawsuit in Germany.

But thanks to Aleve, that shouldn't be a problem any more!

In Frank's World

2006-06-21T20:50:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, I really want to strangle someone but the President won't let me. Lucky for him he's my Commander In Chief, or things would get messy. Fast.

Death of Zarqawi

2006-06-08T18:42:00.001-04:00

Finding Zarqawi wasn't the hard part.

Killing him with my bare hands wasn't the hard part.

Flying back to Washington, D.C. in a military jet before anyone knew I was in Iraq wasn't the hardest part.

Making it look like he was killed by a bomb... now that was the hard part.

Death of Zarqawi

2006-06-08T18:42:00.000-04:00

FEAR

2006-05-31T22:26:00.000-04:00

As a child, you fear everything.

Then you grow a little and learn not to fear what can't hurt you.

Eventually, you learn not to fear that which can only hurt you.

Finally, you learn not to fear things that can only kill you.

Which just leaves me.

A young punk had the temerity to ask me if I had any plans for strangling Michael Moore.

2006-05-25T14:57:00.000-04:00

Unfortunately Mr. Paladin, no I don't. My old, arthritic hands just can't reach far enough around Michael Moore's enormous gullet to do any damage. (Now if I had Shaq's hands.... oooh the strangling I could do!)

However, I do have plans for Moore involving a zippo lighter, a waffle iron, two pounds of ground beef, a wolverine, a set of jumper cables, and a wind powered generator. (I'm environmentally conscious you know.)

Now I just have to wait for the next category 5 hurricane to get the power generation I require...

Don't mess with me today...

2006-05-23T16:38:00.000-04:00

I'm in a bad mood. And when I'm in a bad mood, things get blown up.

National Language

2006-05-22T21:47:00.000-04:00

The term "illegal alien", by definition, implies breaking the law. Which makes them my meat.

So I really don't care what language an illegal alien speaks. It all sounds like "Urghh ahhhhggg gurk." when I'm strangling them.

On pets

2006-05-21T20:06:00.000-04:00

If you love something let it go. If it comes back to you it is your's forever.

If it doesn't come back, hunt it down and crush it into a pulp with your bare hands. Then keep the bloody remains in a jar next to the door as a reminder of the folly of running away.

Interviews.... RARR!

2006-05-21T10:49:00.000-04:00

I had an interview on O'Reilly the other day... well, actually one of my doubles had an interview. I like O'Reilly. He's an incredibly angry old man like I am. But if I was interviewed and asked those questions, there surely would have been a stranglin' at some point.

It reminds me of another interview I had with a young blogger, Frank J.

The only thing that saved him that day was that the technology to strangle someone over the phone hasn't quite been perfected... yet.

Dagnabbit

2006-05-19T01:18:00.000-04:00

I've finally figured out this blasted blogger to put the titles on these posts. This newfangled technology can be so aggravating that I just want to strangle somebody....

In my day, when we wanted to tell the whole world something about our personal lives we just let old lady Withers know about it and pretty soon the whole town was talking about your business.

I swear, if the nuclear launch codes were this hard to use I'd never get to vaporize anything.

2006-05-18T15:43:00.000-04:00

They say that Death rides a pale horse.

They're right.

I call him Binky.

2006-05-17T20:56:00.000-04:00

Today's list of foreign countries that I have no plans on bombing:

The U.K.
Australia (provided they keep sending beer)
Poland
~~Canada~~

2006-05-06T21:24:00.000-04:00

People ask me why I don't post very often.

I tell them that it's a very dificult and time consuming job plotting the possible take over of every country in the world. And that my hours of vigilantism tend to eat up most of my spare time as it is.

And then I strangle them... not to death. Just a warning strangle to let them know that I could kill them with my bare hands if I really wanted to.

2006-03-29T09:02:00.000-05:00

I have the blood of guilty criminals on my hands... but it keeps washing off. Time to go get more.

2006-02-17T17:13:00.000-05:00

Yesterday a man came up to me and said he hadn't had a bite in days...

So I let Chomps bite him.

2005-12-25T19:16:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas everyone.

As a gift to the world, I'm starting this blog. It should serve as a ray of light and guidance for those who need hope in fighting evil.

...And as a warning to all D.C. criminals, hippies, and general-all around bad people. I'm coming for you.